Footprints
Solemnly I begin my long march
Out into the newfallen drifts,
And with a satisfying crunch do I deface the purity.
But when the canvas melts, does my work remain?
The marks etched into white,
Are they etched still into green?
After the torrents of the spring and the tension of summer-
The blistering, boiling sun.
After the winds of autumn,
The dry winds whistling through the weeks of September,
When the leaves have cleared and a new snow fallen,
And all the ground turned back into white,
Will my footsteps be once again unknown?
Or will the brilliant but transient white,
Still shimmering with silent sonority,
Some visual reverberance,
Make them all the clearer,
That some wanderer may come upon them
And know that I trod here,
From whence I came,
And where next I shall find myself
Enfacing the firmament,
Effacing mortality.
Thought this one up on my way back from my English exam. Obviously it's just a first draft, and some of the wording is awkward and bulky, but, hey, I've got some time before it's finished. I may trash the whole thing. I hate the first line; "do my footprints remain" doesn't sound that good to my inner ear, and it just seems pretentious...
Jolly writes another poem
# 1
lol , i think it sounds good. You've unleashed your inner poet Jolly :D . Or was it just for an english exam?(sounds like something i would do, and then trash it...hehe
"When you want to rock hard children, lean of F#."
# 2
That's pretty good actually. At first, I didn't see where it was going, but after reading it again, I realized it had a fairly deep messege. Two parts that don't seem to flow/fit as well as the rest are where you say "furious" and on down "eroded". To me, those two parts just seem a little out of place. The point is clear, but the choice of wording (those specific words) just seems a little off to me. I'm not very good at poetry, nor do I have a vast knowledge of the English vocabulary. I only know what sounds right to me, and what doesn't. So, this is only my opinion... take it as you will. Great job either way. I enjoyed it.
BWT, isn't there a well known poem titled "Footprints"?
BWT, isn't there a well known poem titled "Footprints"?
# 3
Originally Posted by: PRSplayaThat's pretty good actually. At first, I didn't see where it was going, but after reading it again, I realized it had a fairly deep messege. Two parts that don't seem to flow/fit as well as the rest are where you say "furious" and on down "eroded". To me, those two parts just seem a little out of place. The point is clear, but the choice of wording (those specific words) just seems a little off to me. I'm not very good at poetry, nor do I have a vast knowledge of the English vocabulary. I only know what sounds right to me, and what doesn't. So, this is only my opinion... take it as you will. Great job either way. I enjoyed it.
BWT, isn't there a well known poem titled "Footprints"?
Yeah, both of those words I'm still agonizing over. I wanted to say "effaced" instead of eroded, but that's not the right word either. Eventually it will come, still only the 2-minute-writing-time first draft. And yeah, "furious" is not the word I want here.
No, Fender, it's nothing like anything you would do. It's very different in fact. I try to emulate Joyce; were I more intelligent I could do it more accurately. Sadly, James Joyce is much, much smarter than I.
# 4
Originally Posted by: Jolly McJollysonYeah, both of those words I'm still agonizing over. I wanted to say "effaced" instead of eroded, but that's not the right word either. Eventually it will come, still only the 2-minute-writing-time first draft. And yeah, "furious" is not the word I want here.
No, Fender, it's nothing like anything you would do. It's very different in fact. I try to emulate Joyce; were I more intelligent I could do it more accurately. Sadly, James Joyce is much, much smarter than I.
ummm...thats not my point, well, anyway you dont really know me, but whatever, what I was trying to say was that I would make a poem, then trash it....but just forget about it....
"When you want to rock hard children, lean of F#."
# 5
Originally Posted by: Fenderallthewayummm...thats not my point, well, anyway you dont really know me, but whatever, what I was trying to say was that I would make a poem, then trash it....but just forget about it....
No, I just meant that every writer has a very different style from the others, didn't mean for you to take it in a derogatory manner. All I meant is that if two people wrote a poem, they'd both end up with something really different from one another's final product.
# 6
Originally Posted by: Jolly McJollysonNo, I just meant that every writer has a very different style from the others, didn't mean for you to take it in a derogatory manner. All I meant is that if two people wrote a poem, they'd both end up with something really different from one another's final product.
Ahh, sorry Jolly, but I think we both misunderstood eachother. Lol. I thought that you meant, well I'm not really sure. But what I think you thought that when I said sounds like something I would do is write a good sounding poem, then maybe trash it, like you said in the original post. But lets just forget about that. No hard feelings, aye Jolly?
"When you want to rock hard children, lean of F#."
# 7
Oh, and if you havn't seen somewere else I might have said it, nice job on the Giant Fighting Robot, it's on my ipod I liked it so much. But what are you doing? The solos, or singing?
"When you want to rock hard children, lean of F#."
# 8
Originally Posted by: FenderallthewayOh, and if you havn't seen somewere else I might have said it, nice job on the Giant Fighting Robot, it's on my ipod I liked it so much. But what are you doing? The solos, or singing?
Both, and no hard feelings, dude, didn't mean to sound insulting, and now that I reread it, I do see how you got that. So, my apologies on the ambiguity.
# 9
