To save a bit of time, the story can be found here.

I think you did alright, Nick. The critics were a bit harsh, but I can sorta see what they were getting at. At first I thought the dialogue was a bit phony-sounding, but as it went on I was actually picturing the characters talking without needing to pause and cringe, so that's definitely a good thing.

I don't know what else to say. I'd like to read more of this, to see where it's going.